WHO DOES THIS BITCH THINK SHE IS?

I just cannot bring myself to think of myself as a writer in the traditional sense – oh, and for the record, I also make Indy films.

I’m just a human being being human-as JD Fortune would say- named Jessica de la Davies. I’m a human who just happens to thrive on writing and directing. Becoming a famous writer or director is not something that am working for-I want to provoke a response with my work-ART.

I’ve enjoyed writing and directing for the better part of my short time on The Blue Ball – and I seem to have arrived at a lovely soothing rhythmic beat to my writing-on most days anyway;). I get off on interacting with other humans, so that’s why I’ve chosen this EVIL networking site to connect with as many human beings as I possibly can before I disappear forever into my space. The internet is an incredible tool-it would serve me better if I put more time into Social Media networking and less time into promoting my novel-“Slippery When Wet!”.

I’m on facebook too but think it’s secretly run by Big Brother Corporations who are terrified if people with their own ideas (like me) actually reached the masses-hence the facebook 5000 person limit. Okay, I do NOT really believe that about facebook, but it sounded interesting, didn’t it? Nevertheless I am on facebook too-just search my name. I’m off topic now-it doesn’t matter as probably no one is reading this crap anyway. I wouldn’t! Anyway…

I get off on writing and directing as a way to spread intriguing ideas, tempting thoughts and authentic feelings to other human beings being human in an attempt to achieve Nirvana (okay I’m full of sh!t here). I do like the band: Nirvana! Writing and directing unusual pieces and interesting stories is always an activity that can often be confused with the dreaded FREE THINKING MIND that Big Brother Corporations fear.

How dare you use your own minds to achieve a FREE THINKING world when Big Brother Corporations has our world set up to exploit human drones and utter mindlessness?

I wrote a novel-Chick Literature. Its main character, Veronica Twist, is quite unique and my novel should serve to entertain those who actually use book reading to satisfy their minds’ cravings for human authenticity-particularly women as this is Chick Literature. This novel is upbeat, funny, quirky and only took me 7 years to finish it!

For the past three months, this novel has been floating through The Publishing Establishment-an agent/publishing house system of: I’m not sure this represents us as an agency (I thought they were looking for something different?); of: Umm, we would like to return your novel to you but it’s temporarily misplaced and other Big Brother Corporation bullsh!t. I am on the verge of self publishing but something in my mind makes me desire the “credibility” that Big Brother Corporation agents/publishing houses offer. I guess I am thinking like a human drone and maybe on the verge of actually becoming everything I hate!

Maybe I should run for Congress or something?

I’m always directing something I find interesting. I just finished directing The Student CD Project and Cinderella. Next, I have planned an odd reality film that will surely be completely ignored by Big Brother Corporations in the Hollywood establishment, but maybe-if I’m lucky and work my butt off-be embraced in the INDY world of film making.
I am in awe that I live in this- the information age-this LIMITED period in our history that has opened doors allowing us to communicate with thousands and thousands of people across The Blue Ball-communicating what we really think-not what Big Brother tells us to think. I am grateful for this ridiculous time of open communication-I’m sure it won’t last.

Oh, and to those of you who think women shouldn’t speak their minds or believe that woman have to play nice. I say-go to He!!.

True art provokes a reaction-so do true artists. “Slippery When Wet!” is a CHEEKY title for a SAUCY book and I wrote it for you. My words aren’t meant to reach the ALL – my intention is to inspire you to think for yourself and feel any reaction you want to feel. Any reaction that my words provoke in you means I’ve accomplished something with my meager time on The Blue Ball. Anyway, none of this stuff you just read even really matters . . . because the bottom line is: WRITING and CREATING ART.

Embrace it and try to understand OR hate it and close your mind . . . it doesn’t matter as long as I know that I have tried to use our limited time during this information age and this internet opportunity to talk directly to you-no Big Brother manning the controls.

Oh yeah . . . I am totally full of shit half the time! You can decide for yourself which half is which-as you are not a mindless drone-but you already knew that didn’t you?

Thanks For Playing,
jESSICA De La dAVIES, Ph.D.
Writer/Director/Human Being Being Human
http://www.JessicadelaDavies.com

Slippery When Wet!-a nibble of the book

Live Like No One Else So Later You Can Afford To Live Like No One Else!
by Jessica de la Davies
At least that’s what Fox’s financial guru, Dave Ramsey, is always advising us to do. I like Dave Ramsay. He knows how to make a recession fun. He’s got Americans lined up to cut up their credit cards in new and dramatic fashions like chopping them in the kitchen with their new “Chop Chopper”-only $19.95 plus $5.95 for shipping and handling. Thanks to Dave, we’re now hanging up on our debt collectors in record numbers. “Why do you need credit?” questions Dave. “Live like no one else so later you can afford to live like no one else,” is Dave’s motto. I like it!
Most of my friends are talking about the recession in terms of gas prices and what kind of vacation they can’t afford to take this year. Some of them are turning to “at home” vacations. These are vacations where you don’t leave home with or without “IT”!
I personally like the concept. No more packing all my clothing into my wallet to avoid the airlines’ charging me extra if I want to take a suitcase with some clothes to wear with me to Belize. No more waiting in line in my bare feet only to have my underwire push up bra set off the alarm at the security gate. No more cavity searches for pipe bombs done behind a sheet that some random passenger is holding up at my request while an enormous sweaty woman with bad breath molests me.
“Just when was the last time an American thirty-something woman set off a bomb on an airplane?” I ask, as sweaty woman tells me to bend over.
“Oh we don’t do profiling, Ma’am,” she replies, snapping off her rubber gloves and waving me toward the gate, where a hostile looking flight attendant is waiting to cram me into my seat.
This whole at home vacation thing is sounding pretty good. I Google “at home vacation ideas” and come up with some interesting options. I choose the “Make Your At Home Vacation Like A Cruise” option. First, I rename my home the “Freebies By The Sea” ship. My kitchen is stocked with prepared meals from the grocery store and is now “The Grand Dining Room.” I rent some movies from Blockbuster and turn my living room into “The Show Lounge” and decide to make it non-smoking. I buy a deck of cards and scatter them around my bedroom to create the “Shipboard Casino Royale.” I drag my mattress into my walk-in closet and tape “Cabin 9067” onto the outside of the closet door to simulate a real cruise experience.
I decide to splurge and buy a baby pool for the backyard and a few bottles of wine.
The first day of my “cruise”, I put on my bikini and head over to the pool to work on my tan. While I’m lying in the backyard, I notice a few weeds in the grass. I decide that I’ll go ahead and pull them. Four hours later, I’m fertilizing the yard and clipping the hedges. Later that evening, I head into “The Grand Dining Room” aka my kitchen and reorganized the pantry while drinking a glass of wine. I opened a can of Chunky Chicken Noodle Soup and popped it into the microwave. When I make my way into “The Show Lounge” to watch one of my rental movies, I noticed that there were cobwebs on my TV so I get out my Swiffer. I Swiffered the TV, mop all the floors and moisturized my leather sofa, loveseat and recliner. Then, I head into “Cabin 9067” aka my closet and fall right to sleep next to my shoe rack.
The second day, I decide that “Freebies By The Sea” is in port and I am going on a shore excursion to do some sightseeing. I walk around the block and check out my neighbors’ houses. Mrs. Hendricks is standing in her front yard, watering her lawn and she asks me if I would mind helping her move a dresser from her garage into her guest bedroom. I help her and have to cut my shore excursion short as I have pulled my back out. I head back to “Freebies By The Sea” and soak my aching back in the baby pool. I wake up 6 hours later only to realize that I have not applied sunscreen-I’m burned.
On the third day of my at home vacation, my cousin calls and asks if I can watch her 4 year old son, Clive, for a few hours as she is going to get her hair done. My cousin arrives 10 minutes later and unloads Clive, a laundry basket of toys and a McDonald’s Happy Meal. During the next 7 hours, I become an expert on Clive. For example, Clive can run his dump truck into the base of my coffee table 83 times in just one hour. He also enjoys throwing handfuls of dirt into the toilet bowl and flushing the dirt to “make it disappear.” Clive can also blow into his McDonald’s Happy Meal cola drink through his straw to make bubbles to “decorate the kitchen table.” He has a pretty good vocabulary but he does not seem to understand four basic words: Do not do that. The plumbing bill from the dirt in the toilet set me back $225.
When the plumber leaves, I crawl back into my closet-I mean cabin and put my head down on top of my Jimmy Choos. Somehow this at home vacation just isn’t as relaxing as I thought it would be.
So on my fourth day aboard the “Freebies By The Sea” I call Delta and book a flight to Cancun for a week. I pack up my wallet with everything it can carry, pull 3 dresses on over two swimsuits so I will have something to wear on my trip and head for the airport. I am not wearing a bra. The booking agent stares at me silently as I tape my credit card back together with duct tape at the counter. He hands me my ticket and points toward the security check point. I take off my shoes and get in line.
I feel hopeful. Maybe with a little luck, I’ll have just enough room on my credit card for a Pina Colada…or two!

“SLIPPERY WHEN WET!” -don’t read-out loud

Live Like No One Else So Later You Can Afford To Live Like No One Else!
by Jessica de la Davies
At least that’s what Fox’s financial guru, Dave Ramsey, is always advising us to do. I like Dave Ramsay. He knows how to make a recession fun. He’s got Americans lined up to cut up their credit cards in new and dramatic fashions like chopping them in the kitchen with their new “Chop Chopper”-only $19.95 plus $5.95 for shipping and handling. Thanks to Dave, we’re now hanging up on our debt collectors in record numbers. “Why do you need credit?” questions Dave. “Live like no one else so later you can afford to live like no one else,” is Dave’s motto. I like it!
Most of my friends are talking about the recession in terms of gas prices and what kind of vacation they can’t afford to take this year. Some of them are turning to “at home” vacations. These are vacations where you don’t leave home with or without “IT”!
I personally like the concept. No more packing all my clothing into my wallet to avoid the airlines’ charging me extra if I want to take a suitcase with some clothes to wear with me to Belize. No more waiting in line in my bare feet only to have my underwire push up bra set off the alarm at the security gate. No more cavity searches for pipe bombs done behind a sheet that some random passenger is holding up at my request while an enormous sweaty woman with bad breath molests me.
“Just when was the last time an American thirty-something woman set off a bomb on an airplane?” I ask, as sweaty woman tells me to bend over.
“Oh we don’t do profiling, Ma’am,” she replies, snapping off her rubber gloves and waving me toward the gate, where a hostile looking flight attendant is waiting to cram me into my seat.
This whole at home vacation thing is sounding pretty good. I Google “at home vacation ideas” and come up with some interesting options. I choose the “Make Your At Home Vacation Like A Cruise” option. First, I rename my home the “Freebies By The Sea” ship. My kitchen is stocked with prepared meals from the grocery store and is now “The Grand Dining Room.” I rent some movies from Blockbuster and turn my living room into “The Show Lounge” and decide to make it non-smoking. I buy a deck of cards and scatter them around my bedroom to create the “Shipboard Casino Royale.” I drag my mattress into my walk-in closet and tape “Cabin 9067” onto the outside of the closet door to simulate a real cruise experience.
I decide to splurge and buy a baby pool for the backyard and a few bottles of wine.
The first day of my “cruise”, I put on my bikini and head over to the pool to work on my tan. While I’m lying in the backyard, I notice a few weeds in the grass. I decide that I’ll go ahead and pull them. Four hours later, I’m fertilizing the yard and clipping the hedges. Later that evening, I head into “The Grand Dining Room” aka my kitchen and reorganized the pantry while drinking a glass of wine. I opened a can of Chunky Chicken Noodle Soup and popped it into the microwave. When I make my way into “The Show Lounge” to watch one of my rental movies, I noticed that there were cobwebs on my TV so I get out my Swiffer. I Swiffered the TV, mop all the floors and moisturized my leather sofa, loveseat and recliner. Then, I head into “Cabin 9067” aka my closet and fall right to sleep next to my shoe rack.
The second day, I decide that “Freebies By The Sea” is in port and I am going on a shore excursion to do some sightseeing. I walk around the block and check out my neighbors’ houses. Mrs. Hendricks is standing in her front yard, watering her lawn and she asks me if I would mind helping her move a dresser from her garage into her guest bedroom. I help her and have to cut my shore excursion short as I have pulled my back out. I head back to “Freebies By The Sea” and soak my aching back in the baby pool. I wake up 6 hours later only to realize that I have not applied sunscreen-I’m burned.
On the third day of my at home vacation, my cousin calls and asks if I can watch her 4 year old son, Clive, for a few hours as she is going to get her hair done. My cousin arrives 10 minutes later and unloads Clive, a laundry basket of toys and a McDonald’s Happy Meal. During the next 7 hours, I become an expert on Clive. For example, Clive can run his dump truck into the base of my coffee table 83 times in just one hour. He also enjoys throwing handfuls of dirt into the toilet bowl and flushing the dirt to “make it disappear.” Clive can also blow into his McDonald’s Happy Meal cola drink through his straw to make bubbles to “decorate the kitchen table.” He has a pretty good vocabulary but he does not seem to understand four basic words: Do not do that. The plumbing bill from the dirt in the toilet set me back $225.
When the plumber leaves, I crawl back into my closet-I mean cabin and put my head down on top of my Jimmy Choos. Somehow this at home vacation just isn’t as relaxing as I thought it would be.
So on my fourth day aboard the “Freebies By The Sea” I call Delta and book a flight to Cancun for a week. I pack up my wallet with everything it can carry, pull 3 dresses on over two swimsuits so I will have something to wear on my trip and head for the airport. I am not wearing a bra. The booking agent stares at me silently as I tape my credit card back together with duct tape at the counter. He hands me my ticket and points toward the security check point. I take off my shoes and get in line.
I feel hopeful. Maybe with a little luck, I’ll have just enough room on my credit card for a Pina Colada…or two!

“Slippery When Wet!” A Cheeky Book Title

“Slippery When Wet!” is a cheeky book title for a saucy must read. I wrote this novel for today’s chic every woman who wants a little more spice and sass in her life. This book is for today’s woman who knows who she is, what she wants and is willing to get out there and get it. Reading “Slippery When Wet!” is like having a mind-blowing sex while skydiving. It provides readers something different from traditional Chick Literature in that “Slippery When Wet!” empowers women to LIVE life on their terms!

**”Slippery When Wet!” is a Royal Tiara Grrl Publication and is written by Jessica de la Davies-an award-winning writer who has written for numerous magazines, newspapers and e-zines.

SLIPPERY WHEN WET! QUESTIONS:
Is it sassy? Yes.
Is it naughty? Yup.
Is it saucy? You bet.
“Slippery When Wet!” is not porn-but is does acknowledge women as powerful, sexual beings. It features both straight and gay characters while taking a hilarious swipe at life.

-If you’re frightened of powerful, sexy women, don’t read the damned book! If you think we’re all going to Hell for writing/reading such a book, you might be right-but read it anyway.
-If you believe that women’s sexuality in the story of Adam and Eve, is the downfall of man then move along and go watch TV.

I wrote “Slippery When Wet!” to challenge traditional media views of EVERY WOMAN-I wrote this novel for YOU!

Wink You In The Eye,
jESSICA de la dAVIES
Novelist/Writer/Bitch
Myspace.com/DaviesDirector *I direct Indy Films.
Facebook.com/JessicadelaDavies-Novelist * I have a Fan Page-join us.
Twitter.com/DaviesWriter *I FOLLOW BACK!

BEST KEPT SECRET IS: The Bitch’s Blog at WordPress with Jessica de la Davies, Ph.d.

The Bitch’s Blog is a by women for women site that reclaims the B word. NICE is the new four letter word at The Bitch’s Blog. Oh, BITCHES aren’t mean, unkind or nasty-we just believe that boys can be boys AND girls can be girls. This means that, as women, we don’t ALWAYS have to be NICE (there’s that four letter word again)! http://www.JessicadelaDaviesPR@WordPress.com-it’s the best kept secret on WordPress!

The Bitch’s View On Hollywood’s Awards Fest

I have never seen an industry celebrate itself so often as the “Hollywood Ego Masterbation” festivals like the Emmy Awards, The Oscars, The MTV Music Awards and on…and on. Why do these people-who are already well paid for their work-deserve all these awards?

What about our fighting boys and girls serving our country in exchange for sand in their mouths and MAYBE some free health care- but only given if they can prove that they were injured during the course of their service(Did you see the piece about our Marines with Breast Cancer-who are NOT getting healthcare-because the military won’t admit they gave the men toxic water!)

In my opinon our military’s boys and girls deserve a lot more awards and acknowledgement that they currently are getting. Where is their magical red carpet award ceremony complete with complimentary gowns, tuxedos, jewelry, SWAG (aka goody bags) and FAB after parties? Our boys and girls put their lives on the line every day for our country-for us. What do they get in return? Crappy wages, crummy food and, if they are lucky, to come back home alive.

I don’t hate Hollywood. I think there is a need to escape from it all with a good movie or TV program from time to time. What I do hate is the “Hollywood Ego Masterbation” with its constant omage to THEMSELVES-(sic).

Fuck Hollywood. I’m so sick of hearing about which gown looked the best on “WHO CARES??” did those shoes match “WHO CARES??” purse (sic). How about we celebrate someone else for a change…like our boys and girls in the military?

If we are all going to be stuck with another “Hollywood Ego Masterbation Festival” aka The Oscars, could the celebrities, at least, all agree to donate ALL their SWAG to our fighting boys and girls in the military?
Thanks For Playing,
Jessica de la Davies, Ph.D.



The Bitch’s Blog Writing Contest

I am holding a writing contest and the winner will be announced on The Bitch’s Blog and the winning article will be posted under the winner’s byline. What do you need to do? Write a 600 word article about the woman who has inspired you to live a more authentic life. Submit your article by Oct. 1, 2009.

BIG, BIGGER AND BIGGEST BITCH OF THE MONTH AWARD

The Big, Bigger and Biggest BITCH AWARD goes to....